The Radical Catholic

After being away from the church for nearly three decades, what struck me most since I’ve returned is the deep sense of unworthiness I’ve lived with all my life.

After years of trying to fill this hole with career accomplishments, good deeds, various religions, spiritual practices and psychology, I realized I was no closer to feeling a deep sense of worth.

I became aware that all my striving in life was an attempt to escape this burden of shame. If I could only be more and do more, I would finally feel at ease with who I was despite my tumultuous childhood and ignorant mistakes.

Recently I took my 6-year-old granddaughter, who is not being raised with any religious beliefs, to church. Her first comment upon seeing Jesus nailed to the cross above the altar was, “Why does he have all those boo-boos on him?”

I didn’t know how to answer her in a way she could understand but I did know the answer inside my head.

His wounds are a reminder that I am worth dying for. God came as the person of Jesus to show me the way back to peace and prove my worthiness by a willingness to die for me.

Although I’ve been loved by many and have loved many, I’m not sure I would willingly die for another or would another willingly die for me. We might say we would, but at the moment of truth, would we?

That’s the difference that Jesus has made in my life. He accepted death on the cross, the most brutal way to die, so I and everyone who chooses to be aware of the true meaning of this sacrifice could know their innate value.

Now, unworthiness in every shape and form, no longer has such an intense hold on me. Whether I succeed or fail, am famous or obscure, rich or poor, I know just how worthy I am.

I am worth dying for. God not only says it, but he also follows through on it.

This is true empowerment.