I used to think prayer was about only asking for what I wanted. As far as I was concerned, what I wanted was always good and right. I always had the noblest of intentions for myself and those I loved.
I think there are many levels to prayer and I have visited all of them. Prayer in an emergency. Prayer to head off misfortune. Prayer of gratitude when things are going well.
For me, the most productive prayer is the one described in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, #2711:
“We let our masks fall and turn our hearts back to the Lord who loves us, so as to hand ourselves over to him as an offering to be purified and transformed.”
I go to Jesus and God my Father, stripped of my mask. The mask that says I’m a good person. I deserve more. The mask that is full of excuses for why I did what I did or didn’t do what I know I should have.
When I come to prayer accountable for all my thoughts, words and deeds, I’ve dropped the mask to be honest with the Lord, who already knows everything. He is merely waiting for me to admit what he already knows.
I grew up in a culture where self-esteem was coveted. The mantras included: You’re okay. You’re good. You matter. At first glance, these sound helpful, even positive. But they’re not. Here’s why:
Deep in my soul, the part that still retains the image of God I was made from, I know what is holy and right. But my outer self, the mask I wear in the world, the self that believes in self-esteem, refuses to look at the truth in my soul. Instead, it’s busy covering up for and defending its actions.
This mask is the cause of my struggle with shame and fear. It makes me not accept the actual truth of who I am at my core, a loved child of God, while pretending to accept, value and validate who I am on the surface. The mask keeps the love of God out while it uses self-love to distract me from the truth.
The more I pray to unmask myself, with honesty and accountability, the more I am freed from the constraints of the mask. The more I can truly love God, my Father and Jesus his son and invite the Holy Spirit into my life. For I have nothing to hide and everything to gain.
I’m not okay, I’m not good and I don’t matter in the way I used to think I did.
But now, in the way God thinks of me.
The Radical Catholic 
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