Before this Lenten season, I didn’t know how much pride had been at the root of all my anguish and suffering.
I have always considered myself a good person who conquered many obstacles from early childhood and throughout my adult life. This self-reliance made me believe I was in the driver’s seat. Pride was my identity, an attitude of self-sufficiency that made me feel superior.
I started Lent six weeks ago with a commitment to surrender a deep, unidentified anger that would show up unannounced despite my typically peaceful exterior. I couldn’t understand where the anger came from, as I thought I had made peace with my past and was now in a relatively stable place in my life.
After much spiritual reading, prayer, reflection, and contemplation, I realized I was angry about continually having to satisfy my needs for love and security. The best efforts and intentions of others and all the pleasant experiences of the world couldn’t fill the bottomless pit of insignificance and insecurity within.
Despite all my searching and good works, I was resentful and bitter about living in this state of perpetual emptiness and hunger. This anger hindered my spiritual growth for years and was a barrier to genuine connection and understanding of others.
But mostly, it kept me from surrendering myself in complete trust to Jesus.
My pride imploded when I realized that “I” was the problem—my identity as a self-sufficient person who thinks she can solve problems, help others, and weather all kinds of storms. I thought “I” knew more than God and often counseled him about what should be done in my life and the lives of others to make the world a better place.
I was further humbled when I discovered that below this fiercely nurtured self-sufficient identity was a deep shame of not being enough. Constantly comparing myself unmercifully to others, I always chose those who appeared spiritually or materially more advanced to reinforce this shameful “I” that was at the core of my identity.
With my prideful self-sufficiency and its underlying shame exposed, I fell to my knees in tears. And I continue to do so. Now, I see how I was carried through all the difficult events in my life not by my strength as I previously thought but by the strength of the Lord.
Everything that seemed to be a problem when Lent began is now an opportunity to bow down with wonder and gratitude to the wisdom and love of the incredible Father, Son and Holy Spirit, who never gave up on me.
It used to be all about me and my wants. Now, I see it’s all about God and what He wants. My future is in God’s hands, and I am asking him to take the lead in my life.
Lord, forgive all my ignorance and arrogance over the years. Take the wheel of my life. I am content to sit in the back seat as we journey down the road you want to drive on.
I don’t know where we are going. Yet, for some reason, I feel more peace than unrest and more freedom than restriction. Even though I don’t fully understand the unfathomable mystery that is You, I still feel happier, safer and more hopeful.
Lord, I love and trust you. I am so grateful that I belong to you.
Amen.
The Radical Catholic 
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