Since my return to the Catholic faith nearly two years ago after decades of disaffection, going to church, saying the rosary, contemplating scripture, and reading about the saints have not been tasks or burdens for me. They are pure joys, and my appetite for them seems insatiable.
Lately, I’ve had an unusual and persistent call to obedience. It’s an odd concept, as much of my life was about fierce independence. I grew up without a father and learned at a young age to be self-reliant to survive in this world. This attitude served me well enough until it didn’t. My soul was suffocating with this self-sufficiency, leading me on an extended search for God through many paths.
As an adult Catholic, I’ve learned that at Baptism, seven gifts of the Holy Spirit are infused into us. These traits help us grow in holiness and prepare us for Heaven. According to St. Thomas Aquinas, these “habits,” “instincts,” or “dispositions” provided by God are supernatural help to us in the process of our “perfection.”
Piety is the gift of familial respect for God as a loving Father, with a childlike love that wants to please God even if it means making sacrifices. There is a desire for loving obedience toward the teachings and commandments as expressions of God’s love for us, no matter how difficult.
Obedience? This I never expected.
Yet this is where I find myself.
I’m afraid of piety, yet strangely attracted toward it. I’m scared of giving up my independence, yet I can’t wait to be rid of the burden of it. I’m afraid to live under the authority of a Father, yet I yearn for his protection and love.
I simply want to do what is right in God’s eyes. I want to love God above all things. I want to love others as God loves me, no matter how confused, lost, or belligerent they are.
I don’t even know where to begin with this enormous desire.
Jesus said the Holy Spirit will guide me.
I trust him. I have to.
There is nowhere left for me to go.
“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).
The Radical Catholic 
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